Struggling

I'm a sinner working on her sainthood

I hope that is clear.

Having a testimony of Jesus Christ, His Gospel, and the Plan of Salvation is a beautiful thing. It brings comfort in times of sorrow, companionship during the lonely hours, and hope in the darkest of nights. 

However.

That darn natural man.

Sometimes he creeps up and before I can even realize or recognize the natural man, I am in this swamp of icky green goo, wadding through emotions and feelings that are anything but hopeful or comforting. I start to question - a lot. I begin to doubt, despair, and demand answers to questions I frankly do not deserve in that moment, because I am seeking them in a completely un-Christ like way. 

Why am I failing as a mother.

Why am I failing as a daughter.

Why am I failing as a sister.

Why am I failing as a leader.

Why am I failing as a friend.

Why am I failing as a person.

What the what.

If you find yourself in this icky swamp, get down on your knees for a nice long conversation with Heavenly Father, grab a sleeve of Oreo's and crack open those scriptures. 

"For the natural man is an enemy to God; and has been FROM THE FALL OF ADAM, and WILL BE, for ever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the ATONEMENT OF CHRIST the LORD, and becometh as a child, submissive; meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."

There is a lot in this verse. This is what I took from it, piece by piece.

1) this natural man is an enemy to the person I have CHOSEN to follow. If I was not a follow of God, then this natural man and I could be great friends (let's be honest, this natural man was a very good friend for a few years there)

2) this natural man has been around a long time

a. he's had a lot of practice 

b. I'm not the first person to deal with this natural man

3) this natural man is going to be around. for a while. like the cow lick you were born with.

4) this natural man needs to yield. he needs to give way, he needs to slow down and look for the Holy Spirit to take control

4) any time it says becometh- we are not told to be. we are told to become. we are a work in progress.

5) the Atonement. There never will be enough said on that topic as a whole, but in this context, just as a shout out- nuff' said.

6) If we are submissive to the Lord (the Lord, the Lord, the Lord), if we are meek, if we are humble, if we are patient- if we are all those things, our hearts cannot help but be full of love. We cannot help but to submit to our loving Heavenly Father. 

The things our God sees fit to inflict upon us may seem really, really, really tough. Like, cannot get a head above water, gasping for air tough. Did He really think I was strong enough to endure the nature of inflictions I have seen in my life? For real? Is this really the mortal experience that I yearned for - the plan that made me clap for joy all those eons ago?

It is.

I've let the natural man wage some pretty intense battles recently. I've let him tell me I don't deserve blessings, I don't deserve truths, I don't deserve peace. And if I yield to the natural man - I really don't. But I've chosen God. I've chosen His side. I've knelt in prayer, turned my thoughts, my heart, my tears and grief and pain over to Him. And He has made it worth it. He is helping me to become.

We have hard decisions to make, and the natural man would love nothing more than to make us believe and then deliver less than what we deserve. But as I made my pro/con list regarding certain personal topics, I could trace the cons back to exactly what the natural man would tell me, and the pros to exactly what Heavenly Father would tell me. I realized I had heard and recognized the Spirit in my search for answers, and the natural man poked around my spiritual bubble enough until he found a soft point, raised his dagger high and struck real hard. 

Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith. And kick that natural man to the curb. Cause ain't no sinner working to be a saint got time for that.

*I would just like to call out that while writing this post, my child wet the bed for the second time this weekend, and the second time today. No one ever said the blessings of doing good things would be immediate. Maybe I'll be blessed with a urine-free sleep tomorrow night. But if not, no worries. 

God's in charge.*

Nanny

Nanny,

My earliest memories of you, I am unable to distinguish between the years, or what age I may have been. The memories are warm, beginning with Christmas seasons flying and driving through snow covered ferns and enjoying festive dinners in the home with a winding stair case- the cousins and I sliding down on our bellies, not worrying about the rug burn we would feel later. There were the warm summer days in PEI, running back and forth from the water to where you sat on the beach, always a sun hat placed delicately on your soft red curls.

Visiting Halifax was always my favorite. Whether getting picked up at the airport by Grandpa, or finally driving up to your street after hours of a drive, we would walk in, take off our shoes, and head up the stairs where you were waiting on your bed, greeting us with a kiss and a "hello". 

Your home was always magical. I could walk through the living room for days, or sit and gaze at the pictures on the kitchen walls for hours. The thick wooden china cabinet, filled with sweet treasures, wooden ducks placed along the stairs, the little downtown Halifax homes laid out perfectly along the mantle, all created a beautiful world that I felt so tickled to be a part of. During our visits, It was the stories I loved most- whether it was you tucking Maddie, Jed and I into bed and sharing stories of Nettie May and the world way back when, or through story telling, teaching Maddie and I how to draw, using your own outlines of fairies and nymphs, mushroom stools and magical forests to help. On one particular visit, you helped us fashion clothing for our barbies using simple colored paper and tape. I dont know that I've ever enjoyed playing barbies with my sister more than I did on that visit.

For my siblings and I, though miles apart we always felt you near. You were the first one to call each birthday, a card always in the mail. Where I preferred day dreaming and reading to boys and shopping, what I knew of you and what my mom told me about your interests, I always felt like we were kindred spirits. My love of the arts and Shakespeare was something we could always share, and every play or book I read, I looked forward to the talks we could have on each. Though we did not see each other often, I could always picture you sitting in your kitchen, sketching your beaches, mushrooms, flowers, fairies and more- listening to The Phantom of the Opera or recordings of our own voices that we had sent to you.

Our last visit together, you seemed to wonder if I was bored, but my only hope was for the opportunity to sit at the foot of your bed, listen to your voice, and hear your stories. To me, grandma, you are the loveliest and classiest of women. With your sharp mind and opinions, your beautiful library of books, you were an example of what a woman should be- independent in her thinking, constantly learning, and devoted to her family. I love you with all my heart. 

The loss felt now is great, But I am filled with so much joy when I think of the family you are now with in Heaven, the people whose lives you told stories of, and a Savior who has borne every pain you have suffered- and is now able to show you just how marvelous you are. 

You have meant more to me than I ever could express, and your work here on earth, If nothing else, has been to be my beautiful Nanny MacIntyre. I will ever hold your memory close in my heart, and because of our Savior Jesus Christ, I look forward with hope of being reunited once more, forever to live together in love and eternal joy. I love you forever.

And with your final heartbeat

Kiss the world goodbye

Then go in peace and laugh on glory's side

And fly to Jesus

Fly to Jesus

Fly to Jesus and live

It's OK

Time for some realness here, folks. 

For quite a while now, I've been living with a pretty devastated and broken little heart. I had this perfect brightness of hope when I became active in the Church again, and felt like if I could go through what I had already been through, nothing else in the entire world could take me down. I foolishly prayed for Mountains to Climb, I yearned for God to test me even more- not in a prideful way, but in a "I love YOU so much, your Gospel is my breath, my life, my joy; prove me herewith and I will win wars for you."

Well, it took a while, there were a few lost battles, but I finally feel like I am starting to gain the advantage of the adversary- this particular war is soon coming to an end. It was quite the trial; compared to what I've faced before this one knocked me off my feet. God is good, and He didn't let me stay in the depths of despair. Although hardship and adversity are the worst, there is beauty to be found in the ashes - I have a family that loves me; a sister who patiently let me cry over and over again about the same thing, parents who encouraged me and (at times) forced me to see a future with hope, wonderful aunts and uncles and grandparents who kept reminding me that they were rooting for me. I have friends who, even if they didn't know the details, were there for me, to watch movies, eat ice cream, go for long car rides. And there was my little son. He can give the tazmanian devil a run for his money at times, but when the pain and sorrow couldn't be held back, and I couldn't run into a different room to hide my tears, he was there to come and snuggle me, to rub my back and say "It's okay, Mommy". Just as I do when he cries, he took care of me.

God LOVES us. Our Savior, our brother - even Jesus the Christ, knows intimately what we have gone through. Our struggles are no surprise to him, our heartache is no secret. Because of these last months, as I have felt as though I was hanging on to the edge of a cliff for dear life, I felt Him there. I came to know and understand just how much HE knows ME - inside and out, He knows me better than I know myself. He patiently waited at the edge of that cliff, calmly encouraging me to reach my other hand back up. I had complete confidence that when I finally found the courage to lift myself up and regain composure, He would be there. He always is.

 Because of the joy that is social media, I've been able to meet and listen to the stories of other single mothers, and so many of us are facing the same struggles. I would like any single mother, or any woman who has needed the power of the Atonement in order to become pure and whole once more, please remember that- because of Him, because of the Atonement, we are pure and whole once more. He paid the price for us to be clean, and because of Him we are beautiful in the eyes of our Heavenly Father. Because of Him, we are worthy to partake of all the Father hath. So for those who do not understand the Atonement, for those who may look at us as used merchandise, or who believe we come with baggage - don't give them a second thought. Life is too hard and too hectic to waste time on those who have yet to learn just how real the Atonement is, and how much they too need it in their own lives. The opportunity to be clean again is because of HIM, so why let someone else define our self worth, why allow the misguided and ill-informed perceptions of others attack our self worth. He is the one whose unconditional love freed me from my sins, and so He is the one whose opinion I will concern myself with. As Sister Dalton, oh, that fabulous woman, said, "She understood who she was and WHOSE she was." When I came back to the church, I understood who I was, but now I know whose I am - I know who owns me, who purchased me with blood and who has sent angels to minister unto me, who has provided tender mercies too many to count. I know now whose I am - and to Him, I am clean, and because of Him, I am worthy.

President Uchtdorf's General Conference address on Grace was more than I could ever have prayed for during this time of healing -  

"Today and forevermore God’s grace is available to all whose hearts are broken and whose spirits are contrite.³⁶ Jesus Christ has cleared the way for us to ascend to heights incomprehensible to mortal minds.³⁷ " 

Turns out, it's okay that my heart has been broken. He knew what it would take for me to grow and progress even further down this path of discipleship, and all He wanted was for me to come to Him with this broken heart, as long suffering and as patient as He needed to be, and allow His Grace to make up what I lack, to help win this war. I'm grateful for the time I have had to spend in the temple, in prayer, in fasting and in study. There is not a specific moment where I feel the healing began, it simply is coming line upon line, precept upon precept.

You aren't alone. I hope the honesty shared here will help those who are on the edge of that cliff, and I hope they will realize who is waiting patiently just within reach. I know that my Redeemer, my Savior, my brother, dear Jesus, lives.

He lives & He loves, and we are His.

A Poem

Good timber does not grow with ease,

The stronger wind, the stronger trees.

The further sky, the greater length.

The more the storm, the more the strength.

By sun and cold, by rain and snow,

In trees and men good timbers grow.⁸

 ^{Found in President Monson's October 2013 address, "I Will Not Fail Thee, Nor Forsake Thee".}

A Sunday Talk

I know what you're thinking - but she just posted about a YW lesson?!

The church keeps you busy, folks.

I was able to prepare thoughts on the Prophet of the Restoration, Joseph Smith. There is information regarding the Prophet on Mormon dot Org, as well as on a site called Fair Mormon. 

Good Afternoon Brothers & Sisters,

I’m grateful for the opportunity I have had to study and pray on this topic, and grow closer to the Spirit as I prepared my remarks. I pray the Spirit of the Lord to be here this day, so that I may share His message.

For those I have not had the opportunity to get to know better, I am the eldest daughter of Bret & Jill Thunell, and my son Rafe Henry and I are living the sweet life in their basement. My family moved to Utah when I was 15 years old, have a beautiful sister who is here today with my favorite brother-in-law, and an absolutely amazing little brother Jedediah, who will return home from his missionary service in just 17 days. I attended Lone Peak, participated in band and drama, have gone to university at SUU and more recently UVU. I work full time as an Operations Manager for a Health Savings custodian and spend the rest of my time with my little three-year old, who is my greatest blessing. I have been a single mother most of my son’s life, and I am so grateful for the patience he has had with me, as I do my best to balance the demands that come with the title Mom.

Though I’ve been in and out of the ward going on a year and a half, and have been blessed to teach Relief Society, Young Women’s, and participate with many of you through choir, this is my first time standing at this pulpit to speak and bear testimony. The past few Fast Sundays I have thought to stand and bear testimony, but either Rafe had run away and was halfway to the roundabout, or I was wearing heels and feared tripping on the way up, I found a way to avoid standing up. Foolishly I had the thought, “well if they asked me to speak, then I would have no excuse to stand and share my testimony with the ward”. Queue Brother Seely. I would like to testify today that Heavenly Father listens, and answers prayer. There are a few prayers I am still waiting to have answered, trials that I am experiencing and don’t understand the reason. And although I am being asked to wait patiently on the Lord with a few things, I know that He still listens to the thoughts of my heart. It was an answer to a simple prayer when I received the call to work in the Young Women program, He lends me the patience I desperately pray for to teach and raise a son whose energy exceeds that of a thousand suns, and when I become overwhelmed with chores and responsibilities, I feel His Spirit of peace, of love.

My remarks come from study of Elder Neil L. Andersen’s most recent General Conference talk, entitled simply, “Joseph Smith”. My first personal experience with Joseph Smith began when I was about 9 or 10, and I read “The Work and the Glory”, by Gerald Lund. Through that work of fiction and my own scripture study of the events taking place in the text, I came to love Brother Joseph and the work our Father in Heaven gave him to do, most importantly the translation of the Book of Mormon.  

Although raised in the church by ‘goodly parents’, I became inactive after high school for some years. When I returned to activity, I focused on strengthening my personal relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and slowly began to rebuild my testimony of the principles of the Gospel. I knew that to stand confidently as a member of the church, consistent study of the Book of Mormon was necessary. The first time I read through the Book of Mormon was in 2005, when President Gordon B. Hinckley asked each member to read or re-read the Book of Mormon. Through my efforts to finish the Book of Mormon before the end of the year, I received a prompting to obtain my Patriarchal Blessing. Over Christmas break I spent hours reading, trying to make the deadline of January 1st. On December 28th, the day I received my Patriarchal blessing, I had been reading in 3rd Nephi of Jesus Christ’s visit to the Nephites.

Chp 9 V 14 “Yea, verily I say unto you, if ye will come unto me ye shall have eternal life. Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me.

V 17 “And as many as have received me, to them have I given to become the sons of God; and even so will I to as many as shall believe on my name, for behold, by me redemption cometh… V 18 I am the light and life of the world…. V 20 And whoso cometh unto me with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, him will I baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost”.

I will never forget the feeling of warmth, comfort, peace, and love as I sat in my room completing my reading of the Book of Mormon, overwhelmed with the feelings of the Spirit and feasting on the word of God.

As I mentioned earlier, I was inactive for 4 years. I had traveled down the path of sin and mediocrity, and at the end of that 4 years found myself dealing with the consequences of an unplanned pregnancy. One night I was up in the late hour with my son, rocking him back to sleep, praying for a way to feel peace and hope in my life again, when the words of Alma came to mind:

V 17, “And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.

V18 “Now as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death”.

I know that Alma was a prophet of God, I know that an angel visited him and through that experience came his conversion, and as I made the changes in my life to return to Christ I shared in Alma’s joy, V 19“And now behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more. V 20And oh, what joy and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy…. V 21 Yea, and again I say unto you… there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.”

I know my Savior lives, and I know that He is the way, the truth and the light. The Book of Mormon is true because it testifies of Christ, and points the way towards Him. In his talk, Elder Andersen invites us to search out scriptures we know are true, and share them with others in order to strengthen our testimony. The following scriptures are ones that I know to be true:

2nd Nephi 25:26 - “And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ”

Helaman 5:2 - “And now my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall”.

3rd Nephi 11:10 “Behold, I am Jesus Christ, whom the prophets testified shall come into the world. V 11 And beold, I am the light and the life of the world; and I have drunk out of that bitter cup which the Father hath given me, and have glorified the Father in taking upon me the sins of the world, in the which I have suffered the will of the Father in all things from the beginning”.

Ether 12:4 “Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.”

2nd Nephi 4:34 “Oh Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh…. V 35 Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God.”

A year and a half ago I received a prompting in the Relief Society General Conference meeting to take the steps to receive my endowment. That was not where I thought my life was heading at the time, and although it took a few months for me to start down that path, I felt as Nephi did, being “led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do”. (1st Nephi 4:6) My experiences in the temple thus far have been the most humbling and peaceful moments of my life. I am grateful to the man, Joseph Smith, for his efforts in bringing to pass the Restoration of Jesus Christ’s church, because of him we have temples, we have sealing power, we have the Priesthood, we have the Sacrament. To quote Elder Andersen, “[Jesus Christ] chose a holy man, a righteous man, to lead the restoration of the fulness of His gospel. He chose Joseph Smith”.

Moroni told Joseph that his name would “be had for and evil among all nations, kindreds, and tongues”. And I feel that rings more true today than ever.

Elder D. Todd Christofferson said, “We should be careful not to claim for Joseph Smith perfections he did not claim for himself. He need not have been superhuman to be the instrument in God’s hands that we know him to be. In May, 1844, Joseph declared: “I never told you I was perfect, but there is no error in the revelations which I have taught.” He had commented earlier: “Although I do wrong, I do not the wrongs I am charged with doing: the wrong that I do is through the frailty of human nature, like other men. No man lives without fault. Do you think that even Jesus, if He were here, would be without fault in your eyes? His enemies said all manner of evil against Him—they all watched for iniquity in Him.” Joseph Smith was a mortal man striving to fulfill an overwhelming, divinely- appointed mission against all odds. The wonder is not that he ever displayed human failings, but that he succeeded in his mission. His fruits are undeniable and undeniably good.”

One lesson I learned from Joseph Smith that for me is more precious than anything else in this world, is that I, as a daughter of God, am given my agency to know for myself if these things are true. Do not take your agency for granted. “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” I know that Joseph Smith is a prophet of God because I have “ask[ed] God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are … true, ask[ing] with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ”. As Elder Andersen said, “Spiritual questions deserve spiritual answer from God”. Study the fruits of Joseph Smith’s labors. Read revelation given through him, study the Book of Mormon which he translated. And then ask God.

I know this church is true, because it is Christ’s church. The only one who we can expect perfection from is Christ, and He called Joseph Smith to be our prophet, to restore His gospel in these Latter Days. If there is one thing I hope for members of this ward to know, is that I know Christ lives, he is my Savior, my Redeemer. In His name, Amen.

A Young Women Lesson

I was called as a Mia Maid Advisor in December, and taught my second lesson today! I am absolutely in love with the new curriculum developed for lesson planning, and enjoy immensely the Spirit that is felt while preparing the messages. 

Just wanted to share this beautiful and powerful clip of Elder Holland bearing testimony of Christ. I shared my thoughts on our Savior in an earlier blog post, I Believe in Christ, but of course, it is more eloquently put by dear Elder Holland at the following link:

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1995254799001?bckey=AQ~~,AAABxcy4RzE~,ShqhIv2iqxLoQFK-lBYu6cFD-jHhMcYd&bclid=0&bctid=1981920957001

The church is true because it is the Church of Jesus Christ, our living God. As a Mormon I am encouraged and expected to speak with God and seek personal confirmation.

It is true because I know it for myself, independent of anyone or anything else in this life.

2014

We've been under the influence of Tamaflu, amoxicillan, cough syrup, Mucinex, cough drops, and a few other medications a co-worker gave me...

And I wrote a post about 2014, but it came out a little negative. I blame the puke I had been cleaning up since 3 am New Years day. To sum it up, 2014 was my least favorite year of my life so far. There were bright and shining moments; receiving my endowment, Rafe turning 3, new promotion at work, vacationing in Canada and Legoland, beautiful fall evenings spent at the temple. But the rest of the year, no picnic.

But 2015 so far has been really happy. I love having a fresh new start, clean slate, a book being opened for the first time (the smell is amazing, the crinkle of the spine, the flick of the pages). I'll be a quarter of a century old soon, my son had his first day in Sunbeams, my favorite brother comes home so soon, and my lovely sister and brother-in-law are becoming parents. It's going to be good, and it's all going to work out. We will figure out how to juggle this mad, mad world, me and my son shine.

Happy New Year!