Once upon a time, there was a beautiful wedding. Before and even after said wedding, the bride and groom were set on waiting to grow their family until after their first anniversary. After all, they were already a family of three (prince Rafe Henry!), and there was enough to navigate as it was, without the adage of nappies, Puffs, vomit, and diarrhea.
But, God had a different idea.
After a few weeks of blissful marriage (with the occasional meltdown from the 4 year old), a thought began to form in the bride's head. Small at first, she looked for the source of where this thought could be coming from, and a quiet whisper confirmed that heaven was in the details. This thought grew with each passing week, until it became a full grown idea - one that the bride could no longer keep to herself, and finally had to confide in her groom (#instadad, #recentbachelor). Hesitations about sharing this idea were quickly thrown out the window when it became clear that the groom had been growing the very same idea in his head - and the rest, is history.
But not quite.
Lee and I quickly became aware that our family needed to grow, and being the planners that we are, it was decided that being on maternity leave the following summer would be so lovely. Although my past experience pointed to my body being particularly fertile, I don't take that gift for granted one bit. The fact that we were able to get pregnant, when we planned to get pregnant, was a blessing. I know there are so many who ache for this gift, and my heart is with them.
It took about two weeks for me to realize we were pregnant, and another week or two for my body to begin reflecting the process - a.k.a, morning sickness (or just sickness- we know it doesn't just happen in the morning!). The worst I'd ever had, and more consistent than I thought possible. The morning sickness would persist up until the very week I delivered Gray, and I've never been more grateful in my life to crack my body open in order to get rid of the constant nausea and vomiting.
In addition to the sickness, I felt immense sadness. Not because I was gaining weight, or we were entering the winter. Not because I was anxious about caring for two children instead of one, or balancing work and motherhood. I was just, depressed. It took a while for me to identify exactly what was happening to me - on the outside, everything in my life was going so well. I did feel quite a bit of guilt about this- why did I feel this way, when I had a loving son and husband, family, a great job, and great friends. I began to withdraw from friends and activities that used to bring a lot of joy. I knew that I wasn't fully engaged and participating in my life, and because of that I felt worthless. I had no appetite, no cravings, no desire for anything. There were mornings, too many mornings, where I'd wake up, throw up, go through the motions of showering and dressing, try to have a little breakfast, and then... I couldn't do it any more. I'd lay back in my bed and just sob, unable to even comprehend getting through the rest of the day. There were many nights like this as well, where I would crawl into bed still fully dressed from the day, and just hope to disappear underneath the covers.
I didn't really know how to handle my feelings, and I definitely know I didn't handle it well. From what I've researched and discussed with my doctor, I experienced antepartum depression. I'm grateful for all the wonderful women who speak out on postpartum, and do great work by shining a light on the emotionally taxing experience of becoming a mother. And I suppose this is my way of doing the same for antepartum depression. It's a scary thing to share, because in no way do I want to come off as ungrateful for the gift of pregnancy and the birth of my beautiful Gray. Getting him here, however, consisted of 9 very suffocating and dark months.
The time after having Gray has consisted of a lot of healing, introspection, and patience. I did not rush getting back to 'normal', because after the experiences of the pregnancy, I didn't want to be the old Paige- I wanted to be a new one, someone with a lot more empathy and love for those around me, silently struggling in their own way. I listened to an amazing episode on Oprah Winfrey's 'Super Soul Conversations' podcast where the interviewee talked about how a 'comeback' is not a go-back - because once we've been through an experience that has stretched us, tried us, and humbled us - we can't be the same person we were before. Our hope is, that we are better.
In return for the experience of bringing Gray into this world, he has rewarded us all with his sweet, tender, and loving personality. For me, motherhood is my greatest joy, my children are my constant teachers. Though not how we thought our first year of marriage would go, we find a new reason each day for why Gray needed to come to our family when he did.
"Those who leave everything in God's hands will eventually see God's hands in everything."
paige
