(written about 7 months ago)
I may have mentioned this before on the blog, but if not then there is certainly an Instagram post about it.
I started to run back in January.
I know, New Years Goals are the greatest.
But I think what helped me keep with this goal, now six months later, is that it really wasn't a numbers goal. It was a mental health goal. Having been exposed to some extremely unhealthy situations in life, and not really having the tools to deal with them, I was feeling ill. My emotions impacted my physical and mental health- one thing could send me into deep depression, and another could unsettle me so much that I didn't eat for weeks. #nothealthy
Now, after having a few rather healthy months- no depression that sets in for weeks at a time - I'm finally able to look at what I'm doing while I run. Before, I just ran and ran till it hurt and placed all my built up anger and frustration and feelings of injustice on the pavement or treadmill. Don't get me wrong- I still do that - but I'm able to appreciate more the growth I have seen since I started running. Before, a mile was just a super-star level achievement. Now, it's half a warm up. Stretch goals may be intimidating, but I've begun to really understand what they mean by, "It's not your body giving up, it's your mind giving in."
And I've been able to apply it to my life. (#ofcourse)
You start a day with God. Eyes open, realization hits that your alarm is going off far too early than you want yet again, and a new day is beginning. Reaching for the phone to check the time... and Facebook...and Instagram... and that Pinterest notification.... oh and work emails, random texts from loving friends who are watching out for you, and before you know it you need to start your day- and it's time for a prayer. Sometimes I get going on a run and I'm so concerned about making it out of my neighborhood streets so that no one sees me, or getting my pace started right away, that I forget to take it slow and easy- to stretch, make sure shoelaces are tied and the hair that you thought was really cute with the short hair cut but now is driving you nuts in the grow out stage is out of your face. You breath, you take a few steps... a few more... and then you're off. Finding new roads to go down to help gain those extra miles, listening to song after song and thinking all the thoughts.
Sometimes it has literally taken everything in me to go the extra mile. There are times I want to give up, I want to stop, I want to turn around and go back to the days where I just sat on my couch and watched Pride & Prejudice over and over and over again.... okay, I still do that, but it's fine. I'm healthy now, guys.
Sometimes God asks us to go the extra mile. He asks us to do things we just don't feel we can do (like raise a son who is just the most stubborn and independent person ever... oh wait I just described myself #karma) And it is easy to give up. The world makes it easy to give up, to be mediocre.
It's harder to be stronger, and it is worth it to go farther.
Today (I'm sorry, yesterday) I woke up and felt the Spirit so present and so strongly. The day went well, no major setbacks, but by bed time I realized that I am waging an uphill battle. It's exhausting. I want to give up, I want to go back to the days where I just ate three-leaf clovers at the bus stop and danced the Macarena at all-girl birthday parties, where I felt really smart in school because I was at a higher reading level than my peers, acing quizzes and tests, and watching Wishbone in my spare time. That was where I was comfortable.
We aren't growing unless we are uncomfortable, our time won't improve unless we breath a little heavier and pick up our feet a little quicker. Once you've practiced enough, the hardest of battles are now just warm-ups, a little 10 question review to make sure you remember the lessons from the last trial, and can step into the next exam with the proper preparation. I keep looking for a season of peace in my life, but every time some new road bump appears, it's just a reminder that without the trials, without the struggle, I wouldn't lean on God as much as I need to. He places me in uncomfortable situations so that I can be comfortable in trusting Him.
God lives, our Savior loves us, and this life is worth it.
