My husband didn't marry a virgin. This was clear by the fact that I had a four year old son when we started dating, but still.
The thoughts, actions, and pivotal moments leading up to the loss of my virginity are not the focus of this post, rather, the very poignant feeling of unworthiness I felt afterwards.
From the moment I lost my virginity, really even the moments that lead and escalated to losing my virginity, the following phrases kept replaying over and over in my head,
"No one else will ever want you now."
"You are damaged goods."
"You are used merchandise."
"There are nails in your fence."
"You are a chewed up piece of gum..."
Okay, maybe not that last one, because thank GOODNESS I never heard that analogy in a lesson on virtue. I'm so sorry for those who have heard that - teachers, leaders - please.stop.
These thoughts haunted me for the better part of 5 years - and made it easy to resist the desire to repent, when the culture in which I lived stressed purity so heavily- and so intensely shamed and shunned 'imperfect' people, especially women who they perceived were no longer virtuous.
Ultimately my son became my saving grace- the very consequence of sexual activity (unplanned pregnancy) drove me back into the lovingly patient arms of my Heavenly Parents. I met with my bishop and began the difficult yet rewarding process of repentance, and I learned so much about faith, unconditional love, and grace - I was in a state of bliss as I immersed myself back into a life of discipleship.
Although I knew that my future (dating, re-marriage, etc.) would look a little different than others, and most likely have a few bumps along the way, I was naively optimistic. I felt the love of my Father in Heaven, my judge in Israel (bishop) declared me cleansed from sin, and the power of the Atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ was actively fueling me day by day, saving me. What could go wrong?
Dating went wrong. Those beautiful principles of forgiveness, cleansing, and grace I was learning about in church seem to be lost on some of the most impressive of Latter Day Saint (mostly RM) young adults. After a few traumatizing experiences of opening up about my past on ldssingles.com dates, Tinder chats, and even to my first love after the divorce, I was terribly distraught and confused. Those phrases that had played a part in keeping me from returning to the Gospel kept creeping back into my head - I was damaged, I was used, and no one wanted me. Literally, the fact that I wasn't a virgin was written down on a pro-con list of someone I dated - note to others- run away from those ones. Just run away.
Although those I dated knew I had a child, it was the circumstances that led me to motherhood that seemed to turn them off (8 months pregnant at the altar, separated after 4 months of marriage wasn't exactly what they had in mind when they saw "single mom"... maybe they hoped I was divorced due to infidelity or pornography addiction? One dinner date just straight up stopped asking those 'first date' questions when he learned more about my past, another (creeper) wanted to know the worst things I'd done in my past, and another winner asked if I could do it over again and not have my son, would I?
***crickets***
I did meet a few good men who were respectful and understanding. One of them became my husband. It was precisely his compassionate care for my past, my son, and my vulnerable and broken heart that helped me muster the courage to open myself back up to love again. My husband saw God's grace and glory, and that even though some may have believed there were nails driven into my fence, the goods had been sold, my cupcake was licked, the gum was chewed, the merchandise was used... because of Jesus Christ, the woman before him was whole. I was clean, I was pure, and I was a woman of virtue.
We've been married for three years this month, and not a day goes by without being reminded just how grateful I am that my husband saw past my thorny parts, and loved me for who I was despite them all. Who actually understood the sacrifice Christ made for us all, and that I was just as worthy of love and marriage and all the babies in the baby carriage - sorry, I'm super baby hungry right now.
Not everyone marries a returned missionary, a virgin, a college graduate, someone over 6 foot, skinny, attractive, sporty, spice (what are the other filters on Tinder? it's been a while..) But we all interact with and date and maybe even marry a son or daughter of Heavenly Parents. And we all deserve to be treated and looked upon as such. We are all worthy of Christ's atonement, He is mighty to save.
