Time for some realness here, folks.
For quite a while now, I've been living with a pretty devastated and broken little heart. I had this perfect brightness of hope when I became active in the Church again, and felt like if I could go through what I had already been through, nothing else in the entire world could take me down. I foolishly prayed for Mountains to Climb, I yearned for God to test me even more- not in a prideful way, but in a "I love YOU so much, your Gospel is my breath, my life, my joy; prove me herewith and I will win wars for you."
Well, it took a while, there were a few lost battles, but I finally feel like I am starting to gain the advantage of the adversary- this particular war is soon coming to an end. It was quite the trial; compared to what I've faced before this one knocked me off my feet. God is good, and He didn't let me stay in the depths of despair. Although hardship and adversity are the worst, there is beauty to be found in the ashes - I have a family that loves me; a sister who patiently let me cry over and over again about the same thing, parents who encouraged me and (at times) forced me to see a future with hope, wonderful aunts and uncles and grandparents who kept reminding me that they were rooting for me. I have friends who, even if they didn't know the details, were there for me, to watch movies, eat ice cream, go for long car rides. And there was my little son. He can give the tazmanian devil a run for his money at times, but when the pain and sorrow couldn't be held back, and I couldn't run into a different room to hide my tears, he was there to come and snuggle me, to rub my back and say "It's okay, Mommy". Just as I do when he cries, he took care of me.
God LOVES us. Our Savior, our brother - even Jesus the Christ, knows intimately what we have gone through. Our struggles are no surprise to him, our heartache is no secret. Because of these last months, as I have felt as though I was hanging on to the edge of a cliff for dear life, I felt Him there. I came to know and understand just how much HE knows ME - inside and out, He knows me better than I know myself. He patiently waited at the edge of that cliff, calmly encouraging me to reach my other hand back up. I had complete confidence that when I finally found the courage to lift myself up and regain composure, He would be there. He always is.
Because of the joy that is social media, I've been able to meet and listen to the stories of other single mothers, and so many of us are facing the same struggles. I would like any single mother, or any woman who has needed the power of the Atonement in order to become pure and whole once more, please remember that- because of Him, because of the Atonement, we are pure and whole once more. He paid the price for us to be clean, and because of Him we are beautiful in the eyes of our Heavenly Father. Because of Him, we are worthy to partake of all the Father hath. So for those who do not understand the Atonement, for those who may look at us as used merchandise, or who believe we come with baggage - don't give them a second thought. Life is too hard and too hectic to waste time on those who have yet to learn just how real the Atonement is, and how much they too need it in their own lives. The opportunity to be clean again is because of HIM, so why let someone else define our self worth, why allow the misguided and ill-informed perceptions of others attack our self worth. He is the one whose unconditional love freed me from my sins, and so He is the one whose opinion I will concern myself with. As Sister Dalton, oh, that fabulous woman, said, "She understood who she was and WHOSE she was." When I came back to the church, I understood who I was, but now I know whose I am - I know who owns me, who purchased me with blood and who has sent angels to minister unto me, who has provided tender mercies too many to count. I know now whose I am - and to Him, I am clean, and because of Him, I am worthy.
President Uchtdorf's General Conference address on Grace was more than I could ever have prayed for during this time of healing -
"Today and forevermore God’s grace is available to all whose hearts are broken and whose spirits are contrite.36 Jesus Christ has cleared the way for us to ascend to heights incomprehensible to mortal minds.37 "
Turns out, it's okay that my heart has been broken. He knew what it would take for me to grow and progress even further down this path of discipleship, and all He wanted was for me to come to Him with this broken heart, as long suffering and as patient as He needed to be, and allow His Grace to make up what I lack, to help win this war. I'm grateful for the time I have had to spend in the temple, in prayer, in fasting and in study. There is not a specific moment where I feel the healing began, it simply is coming line upon line, precept upon precept.
You aren't alone. I hope the honesty shared here will help those who are on the edge of that cliff, and I hope they will realize who is waiting patiently just within reach. I know that my Redeemer, my Savior, my brother, dear Jesus, lives.
He lives & He loves, and we are His.
