Because I Fought

This saying has a lot of meaning for me. While growing up I had a hard time loving myself. I'm sure most pre-teen/teen girls can comprehend. There was always someone out there who could things a little bit better. At times this would cause me to back down from opportunities; accept a mediocre grade or performance. But then there were the times that I would push myself to go that extra mile. Put in the hours to ace a test, repeatedly rehearse and practice in order to place in competitions, or earn a certain role. When I accomplished things I had fought for, the feeling was euphoric. I appreciated those moments and achievements so much more, and I loved myself for the fight that had been won.

When I became responsible for another human life, that's when I knew I could never go back to accepting mediocrity. I fought to put myself in a position where I was living the way I wanted to, a life immersed in the Gospel of Christ. I think the most beautiful thing about turning your will over to God, allowing Him to be in charge, is how much you learn about yourself. For the first time in my life, I have been able to love myself. I have embraced flaws, accepted faults, and been able to improve without it being a negative experience. I know what things I struggle with, what needs to change, and with the help of my Heavenly Father, I can make changes in a loving, positive, healthy way. 

That's not to say that things have been peachy. On a sheet of paper, the facts of my life are not award winning. I love what Al Carraway shared in a post (I'm such a fan of her) - 

"I was judged for who I used to be, not who I was and was becoming." We play the lead role in our lives; when people come along who don't see who you are becoming, who don't notice the change of heart that you are experiencing, it can be a little unsettling. When they judge you for those facts on paper, when they judge you for who you used to be, because they can see your "tattoos"; it's a shock to the soul. I didn't expect that when I began fighting to chose the right. In dark moments, all the leaps and bounds I was taking seemed insignificant, because I feared I would always be seen as the girl who walked around unmarried and pregnant for 7 months; humiliated, fat, and swollen; consistently inconsistent, lost and unable to find solid ground.

"Because of Christ. Whatever you have done, knowledge or not- physically apparent and visible, or not- you can move past it. You can always be forgiven, because of Christ. Everyone can be forgiven." Because of Him, I am able to move past those dark moments if and when they come. Because of Him, my fighting is not in vain.

One last quote from Al Carraway, in reference to repenting of sins, "To us, they become testimony. Knowledge. Strength." It's hard to comprehend why life has to be so hard at times. But the hard times brought me my son. The hard times brought me a confidence and trust in God that will not waiver. People may judge, plans may fall through, others may turn their back on years of faith, but my hard times have fueled my testimony, have given me knowledge and strength. The hard times bring me down to the depths of humility, and in those depths I catch a greater glimpse of the person God knows I can be.

I love the person I've become, because I fought to become her, and will never stop fighting.

The Two Year Old

Rafe is a two year old.

He will talk anyone's ear off. He is very eager to tell someone next to us in the grocery store all the good things Mamma is buying him... strawberry oatmeal, graham crackers, apple juice, purple grapes, bananas, granola bars, chocolate chip cookies... notice how meat is still not there? Yes... he is a herbivore. 

He loves to say, "Mamma, turn around! Make this face!"

He knows the letters on the mountain - "G" for where our apartment was, and "Y" for when we go to the waterpark in Provo :)

He knows his colors- his favorite blankets are "blue" and "gray", he likes to do the "blue slide" and if he were taller he would ride the "pink slide". His favorite color "shake" (pediasure... I got him tricked) is the "brown cow" shake. Not the white one. The brown one. (chocolate vs vanilla).

He runs everywhere. There is no such thing as walking in Rafe's world. If behaving poorly in Sacrament meeting, we walk outside to the hall, where he proceeds to run from one couch to the other, giving everyone around a good laugh.

He wants to explore every part of every thing. He remembers where keys go, where food is kept, where toys are hidden, where shoes are left, where movies are and how they fit into the DVD player.

He knows his way around neighborhoods. When arriving a little early to his lovely nanny's neighborhood, we proceed to go up the hill to the "castle house", and to look over the hills at the Timpanogas temple. He knows that one way to cousin Parker's house is "down the mountain", and that uncle Matt & aunt Maddie are by the train tracks. 

Life has been pretty busy. Planning fun activities outside, working full time, participating in church callings, laundry, cooking, cleaning, more laundry....

At night all I want is to collapse into bed and sleep till next week, and then Rafe is by my side, asking to say a prayer, and see the Prophet. We snuggle next to each other and start to play a conference video with dear sweet President Monson, and when I ask for a goodnight kiss Rafe grabs both sides of my face and gives the greatest kiss a mamma could ask for. 

Then he says "sharp teeth!" and tries to bite me.

Thank you, Land Before Time. 

I'll say it till I'm blue in the face. I love my son. I love the example he is to me, and the strength he gives me to keep going. 

Grateful

The blog took a "summer break".

That's the end of excuses.

Summer was amazingly splendid to us. We have the Pass of All Passes and spent as many Saturdays as we could at Seven Peaks. It was so much fun seeing the difference from our first visit to the last- Rafe is growing up so quickly and every day is an adventure!

Mi favorito hermana got married, and was the most beautiful bride I have ever seen.

Rafe went to 2 movies in theaters- Monsters Inc. and Planes - he did fairly well in both!

We had a very fun 4th of July

Rafe is learning how to play nicely with others.

Found a favorite hair cutting place.

Hung out with our super awesome cousins.

Went to the lake.

Went to a truck show, dino museum, and farm country.

Watched Nana Thunell become an American.

Campfire evenings.

Boo-boos.

Treats.

And most recently, Birthday Week.

I.am.exhausted.

I was able to take work off on Rafe's birthday, and it was wonderful being able to have an extra day with my favorite little man. My life changed forever when he came into this world, and I am over the moon grateful for him. I think it is really easy to want a different or better life. All the super-mom, fashionista, and perfect health nut blogs out there make coveting just a click away! Not going to lie, at times I wish life were just a little easier. But if I focused on that every day, I would be miserable. I spent four years of my life wishing every day for something better, miserable with the life I had. Having Rafe, and watching him grow so fast, seeing certain phases progress so quickly- it has helped me enjoy life in the moment. I hope someday for a large family, but I am grateful for the special one-on-one time I have now with my sweet son. Working full time is no picnic, but I am so grateful for a job I love, a job I have never dreaded returning to on Monday mornings. I'm grateful for parents who help out in so many ways. Being a 23 yr old single mom living in the basement is certainly not ideal, but I will forever remember the sacrifices my parents make every day to help Rafe and I. Mom and Dad- you will never live in a nursing home. My basement will always be there for you :) I make an effort every day to not live for the weekends. The weekend is only two days long!! We have 5 whole days during the week, and although occasionally it is hard to make the best of those, no one really wants to look back on their life and only remember the weekends, right?

If you have blog-envy, or instagram envy, make a post about something you are grateful for! Make a gratitude journal. Because chances are, behind that perfect photo of a perfectly laid out family meal is a couple of crying, teething, poopy toddlers drawing with permanent marker all over the kitchen walls.

At least that's what I tell myself.

Love,

Paige the Sleepy and Rafe the 2 Year Old

Fun Fun Fun

Zoro is on Netflix, a few favorite lines:

"what is lesson #3?" - "to get to lesson #4"

"forgive me father for I have sinned, it has been three days since my last confession" - "3 days.. how many sins could you have committed in three days?"

"he was young and vigorous.... he was very vigorous, father"

Rafe and I went to Seven Peaks on Saturday- I was so excited!! Rafe was dressed in a cute little swim suit and straw hat, I had his cute little bag & swim towel with his name sewed on it, we were going to have such an adventure!! We walked into the first little kiddie pool- and he clung to me like a leech. He didn't want to go anywhere in the pool without me right there next to him, he couldn't even walk in the pool on his own- he had to stand on my feet anywhere we walked, and had to sit in my lap, not just next to me, on my lap, in the shallow end. I have to admit, I cherish moments when Rafe is clingy- but this was Seven Peaks!! I wanted him out there splashing and having fun!! Alas it was not to be. We tried the wave pool for some time as well, but he was still hesitant. So we just have to go often this summer, to get him more comfortable!

As if Rafe's lack of enthusiasm for the water park wasn't enough, what happened next downright shocked me.... Rafe became 'pooped'. The sun, the pool, all of it must have been too much for my sweet son, and he was tuckered out!! He fell asleep on the car ride home, he went to bed 30 minutes early that night, and the next day- he was a zombie! He sat in my arms the entire Sacrament meeting- if you have ever been in the same Chapel as us during church, you know just how insane that is. The rest of the day he napped, didn't want anything to do with his toys or playing outside, and was the most content when he was snuggling in my arms- to say the least, I was in heaven. Who doesn't want a whole afternoon of snuggling and smooching Rafe Henry!! It was also nice to be able to sleep and nap a bit with him... What I thought was a cold a few weeks ago I believe is actually allergies. I've been a mouthbreather for so long, lost my voice once, and haven't been able to hear properly for a week. Needless to say having a slow day was certainly a tender mercy.

This morning Rafe woke up nice & happy- back to his perfect, active self! Now all I need is for the stove to work so tomato soup is a possibility. Comfort food always helps to get through runny noses and sore throats.

Hooray for summer!!

Do you think I should fill up soon?

Unrelated News

It's unfortunate bringing a bottle of Ibuprofen to work, then reading the expiration date: 

My son is a fast little tart at times. I walked out of the car for two seconds and returned to this scene: 

Taylor Swift is a personal favorite. I love her song "All too Well". But the all-time blow it out of the park, feel good wanna go take on the world song, "We are never ever ever getting back together"- that one is sublime. And I got to belt I out with Taylor and a stadium full of other lovely ladies at her concert last Saturday :) 

Life is hard. But it's beautifully blessed at the same time. 

Wouldn't It Be Lovely

Sometimes I put exclamation points in texts or comments when I'm really not that enthusiastic. I'm sure others do the same. But then that exclamation point stares at me, it starts to mock me... "are you really excited about this? are you sure it wasn't a sad face you wanted to use to end this sentence- are you sure there isn't more you would like to say? you're just going to end this with a false exclamation point?"

I don't care for that exclamation point.

Sometimes I don't like having to go to work every day. When my child hits other children, or throws his food halfway across the restaurant, or lays down in the middle of the store aisle because he doesn't want to sit in the shopping cart, all I want to do is quit my job, move into the mountains for a few months, and spend every day teaching my son how to be a behaved, respectable little boy. Wouldn't it be lovely to wake up in the morning, have a lovely breakfast prepared for Rafe when he gets up, sit with him patiently and teach him how to use his spoon or fork, how to drink from his cup without chucking it at the wall after every sip he takes, go for a nature walk with him around the neighborhood, point out ants and the garbage truck and the little birds he always sees before I even do. Wouldn't it be lovely to place him down for his nap every day, clean around a home of my own, prepare a healthy lunch for little man when he wakes up, spend the afternoon building forts and going to a farmers market to pick up fresh ingredients for dinner, playing at parks and going to gas stations and watching all the fun trucks stopping by. Wouldn't it be lovely to have plenty of time to prepare and sit down for dinner, before Rafe gets cranky and tired, time for a lovely bath and maybe one last wrestle before bed time.

I'm not ignorant. I know that all my amazing, hard working stay-at-home moms are saying, "girl, puh-lease, get your head out the clouds". I know that staying at home with Rafe would not always be sunshine and daisies. I know that every child has the naughty phase, whether or not their mothers work outside the home. I know that my day dream of staying home with Rafe is irrational. Sometimes moms who work in the home dream of a day surrounded by other grown-ups. Sometimes moms who work in an office building dream of a day surrounded by children. 

I am blessed to have so much support from my family.

I am blessed to have a wonderful nanny for Rafe. She's like a second mother to him, and we love her to death.

I am blessed to have such a wonderful job where I can work 9-5, have weekends and (recently) holidays off, leave early if needed, and support Rafe and I. 

I am blessed to have a Savior who has felt my sorrows, my longings, my loneliness.

Penny for your thoughts

I was walking out of work today and happened across this little man-

and although at first I was really excited about having good luck the rest of the day, I looked at the penny again and saw the words, "In God We Trust". And today, that statement rang especially true in my heart, because I had just listened to a beautiful talk by President Eyering,  "Where is the Pavillion?"

There is certainly a little more peace to be found- even if answers have not yet come- when we place our trust in God.