Because I Fought

This saying has a lot of meaning for me. While growing up I had a hard time loving myself. I'm sure most pre-teen/teen girls can comprehend. There was always someone out there who could things a little bit better. At times this would cause me to back down from opportunities; accept a mediocre grade or performance. But then there were the times that I would push myself to go that extra mile. Put in the hours to ace a test, repeatedly rehearse and practice in order to place in competitions, or earn a certain role. When I accomplished things I had fought for, the feeling was euphoric. I appreciated those moments and achievements so much more, and I loved myself for the fight that had been won.

When I became responsible for another human life, that's when I knew I could never go back to accepting mediocrity. I fought to put myself in a position where I was living the way I wanted to, a life immersed in the Gospel of Christ. I think the most beautiful thing about turning your will over to God, allowing Him to be in charge, is how much you learn about yourself. For the first time in my life, I have been able to love myself. I have embraced flaws, accepted faults, and been able to improve without it being a negative experience. I know what things I struggle with, what needs to change, and with the help of my Heavenly Father, I can make changes in a loving, positive, healthy way. 

That's not to say that things have been peachy. On a sheet of paper, the facts of my life are not award winning. I love what Al Carraway shared in a post (I'm such a fan of her) - 

"I was judged for who I used to be, not who I was and was becoming." We play the lead role in our lives; when people come along who don't see who you are becoming, who don't notice the change of heart that you are experiencing, it can be a little unsettling. When they judge you for those facts on paper, when they judge you for who you used to be, because they can see your "tattoos"; it's a shock to the soul. I didn't expect that when I began fighting to chose the right. In dark moments, all the leaps and bounds I was taking seemed insignificant, because I feared I would always be seen as the girl who walked around unmarried and pregnant for 7 months; humiliated, fat, and swollen; consistently inconsistent, lost and unable to find solid ground.

"Because of Christ. Whatever you have done, knowledge or not- physically apparent and visible, or not- you can move past it. You can always be forgiven, because of Christ. Everyone can be forgiven." Because of Him, I am able to move past those dark moments if and when they come. Because of Him, my fighting is not in vain.

One last quote from Al Carraway, in reference to repenting of sins, "To us, they become testimony. Knowledge. Strength." It's hard to comprehend why life has to be so hard at times. But the hard times brought me my son. The hard times brought me a confidence and trust in God that will not waiver. People may judge, plans may fall through, others may turn their back on years of faith, but my hard times have fueled my testimony, have given me knowledge and strength. The hard times bring me down to the depths of humility, and in those depths I catch a greater glimpse of the person God knows I can be.

I love the person I've become, because I fought to become her, and will never stop fighting.