Choice

When I found myself at age 20, single, and pregnant, my mind flashed to the scene in Juno, when she sits her father and stepmother down to share her news. After having already confided in a friend, considered her options, and made her decision, she was fully equipped to answer the questions and concerns that came. 

Oh, how I wish that was how my story began...

Never get the same phone as a sibling. And if you do, make sure you have different covers that can identify whose is whose. My sister mistakenly picked up my phone, went into the text messaging file, and of course, once she read a few lines, couldn't help to read the rest of the conversation that was taking place between Baby Daddy and I. By that night, my parents had found out from her, and the whole family was thrown into chaos. They had questions, I had no answers (besides the obvious facts… ). I lost the chance to sit with myself and actually think out how to handle the situation, before being questioned every day with, “What are you going to do now?” The horrible feelings that came when I found out about the pregnancy were nothing compared to how I felt when everyone knew what a mess I was in. 

My dad has always been one to act fast and efficiently. He quickly arranged for me to meet with a social worker through LDS Family Services. This sweet lady listened to my story, understood my fears, and then told me the most beautiful thing I had heard since learning I was pregnant.  

“You're life is not over". 

Relief flooded through my body, the tears didn’t come so hard, and I was able to breathe a little easier. I had a choice. My life was not over, and there would be some resolution at the end of these 9 months. The social worker began to walk me through the options for those in my circumstance. Adoption, Single Parenting, and Marriage being the ‘big 3’. I was referred to the LDS Family Services adoption website, but also given material regarding the different ways to make a decision so big, and various support groups that gathered to help you follow through with whatever decision you made.

Baby Daddy and I were all over the page when it came to our relationship. Some days we were together, planning to be a family, other days I was faced with the possibility of being a single parent, and other days we were online, looking for a family that might give our baby a better life than we could. 

I would like to talk a little about adoption. When I was 18, I became friends with a girl who was in the process of placing her little girl with a family she had come to know through the adoption process. At 16, my friend knew she needed to finish school, and do a little more growing up before she would be ready to raise her baby. It was a beautiful process to witness, and I consider it one of the bravest and most loving acts.

When I found out I was pregnant, I immediately thought of adoption, and did some searching online through various couple profiles. One night, I found what I thought was the perfect match. The woman was an English teacher, she had listed Anne of Green Gables as one of her favorite books, and together she and her husband seemed like a loving, crazy, and passionate couple. I was brought to tears, looking at their pictures, reading of the heartache they had experienced so far with adoption- and at that moment, I wanted to help them complete their family. However, after exchanging a few emails, they were contacted by another birth mother and decided to go down another path.

It was really hard to be 'rejected'. Of course, I knew that wasn't how I should be feeling. I hadn't been 100% committed to the idea of adoption, and still needed more information before making a decision. I knew the couple were making the right choice for them.

Up until the time of the ultrasound, a few other profiles of adopting couples caught my eye, but every time, either they had just recently adopted and their profiles were for some (annoying) reason still featured, or they already had a birth mom who was just a few weeks away from delivery. Some might say I didn't try hard enough to find a couple that would have given my baby a better life, but placing your baby is a huge decision, and my heart wasn't committed to that decision.

The turning point in our story came on May 17^th, 2011, at about 9:20 am. I was laying on a chair in the ultrasound technicians room, Baby Daddy was sitting to the side, goop was piled up on my bump, and a very eclectic looking lady with long dark hair was scrolling over my stomach like a mouse on a pad, pointing out a spinal cord, legs, arms, kidney’s, and finally… well, you know what she pointed out next.

My whole world went into slow motion as she took more photos and pointed out more features of my perfectly flawless little boy, my own little son who already had my nose! I was giddy and giggly and just so amazed that I was growing a little person inside, and that little person was a boy! Everything became so real to me. I had a little son, and he was depending on me.

I made a choice, and the repercussions of that choice, though sometimes painful, have given me a happiness I had never felt, and a love that I never knew existed. I thank God every day, every hour, and every moment for my sweet little prince.